What Have I Done?
by Lilybelmae
Summary: This is the scene in The Outsiders where Darry slaps Ponyboy in the face told from Darry's point of view. NEW CHAPTER: Darry's point of view in the hospital scene. I do not own The Outsiders, SE Hinton does. Copyright 1967 Speak Press. Warning: there is coarse language in this story.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own The Outsiders, SE Hinton does. Copyright 1967, Speak Press.**

It was ten o'clock at night when I pulled the truck into our driveway after work. I was exhausted after having to lug heavy boxes around the warehouse all night. How could Dad do this every day? I thought when I can barely do it myself? I wiped away the tears forming in my eyes and swallowed the lump forming in my throat so that Sodapop and Ponyboy wouldn't see me crying. I needed to be strong for them. I walked inside and hung my toolbelt on the hook inside the closet door before slumping down in Dad's armchair. God, how I wanted a cold beer! But I couldn't have one no matter how bad I wanted it. It would look pretty freaking bad to social services if they found out from one of our neighbours that I was drinking even if it was only one beer. I ran a hand through my hair not even wanting to think about that right now. My eyes felt heavy and before I knew it I had fallen asleep in the armchair. I woke up to the screen door banging shut for what was probably the thousandth time. For heaven's sake, I thought, can't they just shut the door properly for once? I looked up to see Sodapop flinging off his shoes and taking off his jacket.

"Don't throw your coat on the floor," I yawned. "What time is it Soda?"

"It's one o'clock in the morning, Darry" Soda answered.

"What?!" I was awake now. "Where's Ponyboy?!"

"Relax, Dar he probably didn't want to wake you and is bed already" Soda soothed, "I'll go check"

Soda was gone for less than a minute before he came running back with a look of panic on his face.

"Dar, he isn't home yet" Soda said worriedly.

"No," I said and could feel the panic rising inside of me.

"Darry, maybe he's just late getting in from the movies. He's with Two-Bit and Johnny so they probably just got caught up or something"

"I highly doubt it Soda," I snapped worriedly, "If that was the case he'd only be a half hour late at the most. I think we should call the cops"

I reached for the phone when I felt Soda's hand grab my wrist. I whipped around and looked at Soda,

"What the heck are you doing Soda?!" I shouted.

"Darry, think for a second" Soda protested "If you called the cops they would probably report back to social services that Ponyboy is missing and once he's found the two of us would get thrown in a boy's home"

"You're right, Soda," I agreed, "I'll call our neighbours and Mrs. Mathews and see if they've seen him anywhere."

I picked up the phone and called around the neighbourhood for the next half hour and there was still no sign of Ponyboy. I sat in the armchair again and pinched the bridge of my nose and thought, oh God, Ponyboy, where are you? I decided to sit out on the armchair and read the newspaper to calm my nerves. Soda offered to keep watch with me.

"You don't have to do that, Soda" I sighed, "Just go to bed and I'll deal with him"

"It's ok, Darry" Soda assured me, "You shouldn't be out here alone, I'll sit on the couch"

"Ok, fine, but if you get tired go on to bed" I ordered.

I kept looking at the same page in the newspaper, wishing that Ponyboy would just come home. I hoped to God he wasn't beaten to death by the socs and lying in a gutter somewhere. What would Mom and Dad say if they were alive? The phone ringing snapped me out of my thoughts. It was Mrs. Mathews.

"Hi Darrel, Keith just came home and said he left Ponyboy and Johnny close to your place so they can't be too far." Mrs. Mathews informed me.

"Thanks, Mrs. Mathews." I looked over at the couch and saw Sodapop was fast asleep and shook my head.

"You're welcome dear, I hope he comes home soon"

"I hope so too," I breathed. "Thanks again, Mrs. Mathews, goodbye"

"Anytime dear, goodbye"

Almost as soon as I hung up the phone I heard the gate creak and saw Ponyboy sneaking up to the house. Oh thank God, I thought, he's alright. The front door opened and Ponyboy snuck in hoping to evade me. Oh no you don't I thought looking over at the clock and seeing that it was two in the morning. I stood up fast and threw aside the newspaper.

"Where the heck have you been?! Do you know what time it is?!" I screamed.

Ponyboy just stood there shaking his head wordlessly and I wanted to throttle an answer out of him.

"Well, it's two o'clock in the morning kiddo!" I shouted, "Another hour and I would have had the police out after you!"

I kept screaming, beyond caring what the neighbours thought of me right now, "Where were you Ponyboy?!" I could feel my voice rising "Where in the gosh almighty universe were you?!"

"I-I went to sleep in the lot," he stammered nervously.

"You what?!" I screamed, waking up Soda.

"Hey Ponyboy," he mumbled sleepily, "Where ya been?"

I ignored Soda for the moment and focused on the incredibly thoughtless kid in front of me.

"I didn't mean to," Ponyboy was pleading now, "I was talking to Johnny and we both dropped off…"

At this point I didn't want to hear it and hollered:

"I reckon it never occurred to you that your brothers might be worrying their heads off and afraid to call the police because something like that could get you thrown into a boy's home so fast it'd make your head spin." I was seething now and beyond angry. "And you fell asleep in the lot?! Ponyboy, what on Earth is the matter with you?! Can't you use your head?! You haven't even got a coat on!"

"I said I didn't mean to…" Ponyboy yelled, tears falling down his face.

I could have cared less that he was crying right now. I was beyond sympathy and tired of him spewing the same old bull out of his mouth.

"I didn't mean to!" I roared. "I didn't think! I forgot! That's all I ever hear out of you! Can't you think of anything?!"

"Darry…" Sodapop was starting up now too defending Ponyboy and belittling my authority just like he always fucking does.

"You shut up!" I bellowed at Sodapop. "I'm sick and tired of hearin' you stick up for him!"

"You don't yell at him!" I heard Ponyboy shout.

At that moment, I was so sick and tired of Sodapop, Ponyboy and all of this bullshit that I became engulfed by a white hot rage. I wheeled around and slapped Ponyboy as hard as I could across the face and it knocked him against the door. I couldn't breathe for a moment and looked down and my hand where it had turned red and then up at Ponyboy's face where a bright red handprint shaped welt had started to form.

"Ponyboy…" I pleaded, but it was too late.

Ponyboy sprang up and ran out the door as fast as his feet could carry him. I ran after him and called pleadingly,

"Pony, I didn't mean to!"

It was too late though and he was gone. Besides, why would he believe the same tired old "I didn't mean to" excuse he always used? No one in our family had ever hit him before. Now, I had gone and done just that to him. He must think I'm a goddamn monster.

"Oh, Sodapop," I moaned, covering my face with my hands, "What the fuck have I done?"


	2. Chapter 2

The next few days were the worst days of my entire life. First, I found out that after I had smacked Ponyboy in the face and he ran off that both he and Johnny were involved in the murder of a guy named Bob Sheldon. If that wasn't bad enough Soda found out that Dallas Winston knew where the two were hiding and flat out refused to tell us where. I wanted to throttle an answer out of him but knew full well that no matter how hard I beat him Dally would never reveal where Johnny and Ponyboy were. It was killing me and there was nothing I could do about it though Lord knows I tried. I begged, pleaded and harassed Dally one day while I was looking for Ponyboy with him and the only thing that accomplished was that we happened to come across Two-Bit getting jumped by some Socs and were able to help him out even if he was holding his own pretty well. Sodapop was just as miserable as I was if not more and all because of his girlfriend Sandy. Sandy called Soda to tell him she was breaking up with him because she cheated on him and got pregnant as a result. Even though Soda offered to marry her and care for her baby as his own, Sandy refused and told Soda she was being sent off to her grandma's house in Florida. The breakup with Sandy hit Sodapop mighty hard as not only was his little brother missing and who knows where but on top of that his girlfriend ripped out his heart, threw it on the floor and did the Mexican Hat Dance on it. No wonder the kid wasn't sleeping well at all these days. Neither was I if you want to know the truth but I'd never admit that to Sodapop. By Thursday, I was beginning to think we'd never see Ponyboy alive again and that all hope was lost when the phone rang. I answered it:

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Darrel Curtis Jr. there please?" said a professional sounding voice.

"Speaking," I answered curtly.

"This is Dr. Hopewell calling from Tulsa General Hospital. Your brother, Ponyboy Curtis was involved in the rescue of several children from a church fire. He and his accomplices have been rescued and are being transported to the hospital to be treated for their injuries as we speak."

I felt the blood drain from my face and could hardly recognize my voice as I spoke,

"I'll be there soon, goodbye"

I hung up the phone, shaking like a mad man. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening…Ponyboy was coming home but for all I knew it could be in a casket. Get a hold of yourself Darrel Shaynne, I silently scolded myself. I took three deep breaths before shouting,

"SODAPOP!"

I guess I must have sounded more panicky than I thought because Sodapop was by my side almost instantaneously.

"What's going on, Darry?" he asked worriedly.

"Ponyboy's been found," I managed to say.

"What?!" Soda happily exclaimed "Where?!"

"He saved some little kids from a fire," I explained on the verge of a nervous breakdown, "He got injured though and we've gotta go to the hospital to get him.

Soda didn't say anything, just hung his head and started to cry, the sobs racking his body and making him shake uncontrollably. I walked silently over to Sodapop and engulfed him in a big bear hug.

"It'll be okay, little buddy," I soothed even though I felt just as terrible as he did. "Come on, we'd better go get Ponyboy"

We climbed silently into the truck and took off towards the hospital. We would have a bit of a drive ahead of us since the hospital was on the other side of town. We drove silently for a long while and then my thoughts started to take over. Would Ponyboy be ok? Would he even be alive? I shuddered at the thought of him being dead. This was all my fault; if I hadn't smacked him in the face he would still be alive. No, don't think like that, Darrel, I scolded myself again. But no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't help but think that Ponyboy could be dead and it was my entire fault. I bowed my head and started to do something I hadn't done in a long time, I prayed. The prayer went something like this:

Dear God,

It's me, Darry Curtis. Listen, I know I've screwed up real bad lately. I mean, I smacked my little brother in the face, caused him to run off and get involved in the murder of a soc- sorry, I mean young man. But, if you could forgive me for all that I've done, I've got a favour to ask you: please, please make sure my baby brother, Ponyboy, has survived that fire. I will do anything, God. I will give up anything, anyone, just to have him come home alive. If you could bring him home alive, I would be grateful God. Sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I'll pray again soon.

Amen.

I was so deep in prayer that I almost drove past the hospital. Soda grabbed my arm and shouted:

"DARRY, YOU'RE GONNA MISS THE TURN OFF!"

"Oh, sorry," I pushed a hand through my hair, "Thanks, Soda"

"No problem," Soda breathed.

I parked the truck and the two of us went inside the hospital. I never liked hospitals; the last time I was in one I was watching the doctor sign my parents' death certificates. I shuddered and pushed away the thought as I approached the reception desk.

"Hi, I'm here to see my brother, Ponyboy Curtis," I told the lady behind the desk.

"Second floor, burn ward," the lady replied uninterested.

Burn ward?! I thought in a panic as Soda and I climbed into the elevator. Oh please, I silently begged, just don't let Ponyboy be hurt. The elevator dinged and the door opened and almost immediately Sodapop had someone in a hug. It was a kid with bleached blonde hair and when I got a better look at him, I saw that it was Ponyboy.

"Oh Ponyboy, your hair…your tuff, tuff hair…" Soda murmured through his tears, running his fingers through Ponyboy's now short, blonde hair.

I couldn't help but agree with Sodapop, Ponyboy's hair sure did look funny, although I was so relieved that he was fine that I couldn't have given a crap if he was bald. I dropped my head down and jammed my fists in the pockets of my olive jeans because if you want to know the truth I was starting to bawl. I couldn't help it; I knew Ponyboy probably thought I was a heartless bastard and I didn't blame him. I mean, what kind of big brother hits his little brother? Ponyboy just stared at me with a cold look on face. I kept crying, wishing that he knew how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to have the future I missed out on but knew all he probably saw was the jerk that slapped him.

"Ponyboy…" I pleaded in a husky voice through my tears.

I hadn't cried this much since my parents died; I knew that Sodapop and Ponyboy thought I didn't cry when they died since I didn't cry at the funeral, but I did. After the funeral, I waited until Ponyboy and Sodapop were asleep and then quietly cried myself to sleep. I wanted to be strong for them, but here I was breaking down in the hospital waiting room. I turned away so Ponyboy wouldn't have to see me crying these selfish tears and then I heard him shout:

"Darry!"

The next thing I knew I felt his skinny arms around my waist giving me the biggest bear hug I have ever felt in my life. I pulled him in close and started stroking his hair which even though it was hacked off and bleached was still the same soft hair he'd had all his life.

"Darry," I heard him saying, "I'm sorry…"

I kept stroking his hair and held him close to me feeling the relief course through my veins.

"Oh, Pony…" I sobbed, trying to keep back the tears but failing miserably, "I thought we lost you…like we did Mom and Dad…"

I held him close and thought, thanks God, I owe you one, thank you for bringing Ponyboy back to me. My baby was back and he had forgiven me for what I'd done to him and I swore to myself then and there that nothing would ever harm him or take him from me again. I would make sure of that, until he grew up and I would always love and care for him even then.


End file.
